Yesterday I had an interaction on a college Facebook memes page I help administer. It was with a man who claims to be a liberal and an ally. He told me that my choice of cartoon character on a meme about rape culture was someone who promoted rape culture. And I had an "oh shit" moment and asked him to enlighten me. He graciously sent me a link to a page regarding the character I had used, and I dutifully read it, and gratefully realized that the character I had used was a victim of sexual abuse. So I responded to this guy that the character didn't represent rape culture because as a victim, unless he was actively raping someone, he was simply using dark humor, as some sex abuse survivors do, to cope. Then came the mansplaining...
Oh, but he wasn't mansplaining. He was just explaining to me why I was wrong. Even after I disclosed that I'm a survivor of sexual assault, he still was trying to convince me that I was wrong because this character had used the phrase "I will rape you in your mouth" once. I was willing to have a dialog with this person because we need to exchange ideas to understand. Plus, he's an ally so this should simply be the dissemination of information between a rape survivor and someone who truly wants to eradicate rape culture. Easy peasy.
Sometimes I marvel at my naivete that I thought I could have a conversation about rape culture with a man. After an unfortunate exchange in the comments section on my "offensive" meme, I took it to a private message to address this young man and his friend who had disrespected me. I included the male creator of the meme page in the private conversation. The friend who was just a drive by troll refused to take part in the conversation. The one who had called me out went off.
He said, "But of all the characters you used in the world you used one that made you look like a hypocrite and made me seem like I didn't know what I was talking about after being asked to enlighten you on the topic. I stay by my research and word on the character. I guess I mansplain all my research. But if I was a men, women, trans or any else they could try to understand their irony. Again I am sorry if I disrespected anyone. But you really have to look at that meme and understand how problematic it is."
The page creator responded to him first saying, "we understood your point J. thanks for writing. but man, the thread was closed ok? I wanted to give Suzanne, as a rape survivor, the honor of the last word on it. your need to further explain, at that point, was disrespectful imo. sometimes it's best just to walk away from an argument even if you think you can go back and win it. your comment also incited another troll to comment and further stir the pot on what supposed to be a humor group."
So the mansplainer came back with "I didn't think it was an argument...But the meme is wrong, so wrong. And I wanted everyone to understand that."
It was my turn to say something so I said, "No, J. (The cartoon character) was a victim. Nothing on the page you sent me said anything to the contrary. Speaking liberal to liberal you shut down my voice because you have an opinion. I have an experience. I have more than one. Your continuation of defending your opinion against my experience is disrespectful and is the very definition of mansplaining."
So he countered with a clip of the show and asked me to "Please understand the character. Use the evidence and the reasoning to come to a conclusion on this character."
My response, "Again, as a survivor of sexual abuse, (I cannot believe I'm defending a cartoon character) he's likely to say some stupid shit based on what happened to him. Not condoning it, but he is a victim of rape culture which is why he would say something so stupid...This, again, is mansplaining rape culture to a rape survivor and as such is extremely disrespectful."
Nope, according to him, the meme where I said any jokes about rape culture were bad was actually perpetuating rape culture because the cartoon character who is a survivor of rape who said a phrase about rape is the poster child for rape culture. I think my favorite part was this: "The meme in it self is a joke about rape culture and no one is mansplaining rape culture to you. I am litterally using the definition of rape culture to give you an example of it. Like I said no disrespect is intend. If open conversation can't be had that is on you...And know you are using your power and privilege over me to put me on time out on a MSU meme page...you didn't want to take any my point because I am a "man". Like I am really am upset about that...and I am sorry if I unintentionally disrespected you."
Let me point out that this is a white male. Let me also point out that the quotes are verbatim from the private conversation on Facebook. The spelling and punctuation lifted directly from the conversation. I did not include names. Frankly, it's a little disconcerting that this is a self-proclaimed liberal and college student. And the sub-college of the university where he is a student is for public policy and public affairs. You'd think he'd be better at debate. You'd think he'd know that opinion doesn't trump experience. Alas, you'd be mistaken.
However, I'm old enough to be his mother, am a rape survivor, and a college graduate with a degree in English. And I do know how to debate. I know it's about swaying someone to your side, not 'this is my opinion and here's my one piece of evidence taken out of context which supports my opinion so I win'. I also know when enough is enough. Still I made one last attempt.
"Again, victims, whether real or cartoon, are allowed to use dark humor as a coping mechanism. As a victim of rape culture, (the cartoon character) can be forgiven for saying something stupid that is also a part of rape culture. Here's the thing: he's a cartoon. Honestly, the tone deaf comment was the Daniel Tosh thumbs up one because he is a real boy and he actually does perpetuate rape culture. The difference is (the cartoon) uses outlandish envelope pushing in a politically incorrect manner to push a more liberal agenda. Note how (the cartoon character) threatens to "rape" someone in their mouth. That is a knee jerk reaction because he's been pushed too far. Note how I said, "Fuck respecting you, (creator of the meme page)..." Same reaction from a real girl who has really been dealing with rape culture and her own rape since before you were born, J."
And finally he got it. He said, "Again I am very sorry about all of it. I understand your argument and very much agree." Yay! But then he went on to say, "Please, don't call me out like that tho in front of my peers. It is embarrassing. I really did have good intentions."
Damn it! It was OK for him to call me out, but it was not OK for me to make cogent arguments using my background as a rape survivor. It was OK for him to send me a link to a page where I could read up on the character because I admitted that I haven't seen the show for years and I acknowledge that characters can change over a long period of time. But it was not OK for me to use that information to argue against his personal opinion. I made him look bad. I.made him.look.bad. There was another male student who in the comments thread of the meme pointed out that the cartoon character had been raped as a child and had developed some bad habits as a result, but underwent hypnosis to root out the problem and get help. Somehow, this other man didn't make him look bad. The girl with the power to remove him from the page did.
And I did remove him from the page because it took him for freaking ever in our private conversation to admit that he had been disrespectful to me. Even then, he tried to justify his behavior. Then he tried to say it was due to his being a liberal and that the TV show in question is problematic because it's politically incorrect. And because I didn't understand the show, it made me "look like a hypocrite" and made him "seem like (he) didn't know what (he) was talking about" even though he'd sent me the link after I requested him to enlighten me. You see, he tried. I'm just not liberal enough to understand it from his very liberal viewpoint. I told him to go talk to the dean of his college about me because as luck would have it, his dean used to date my oldest sister and has known me and my liberal family since I was born.
This is rape culture. This is toxic masculinity. He's a liberal, and that's supposed to magically elevate him in my esteem. Al Franken is also a liberal, and I do hold his political view in high esteem, but that was over shadowed by women coming forward and saying he'd been inappropriate with them. As a liberal, I don't give him a free pass. I don't believe in party over country or bros before hos.
Back in 2000, I had to attend a workshop on harassment. I was a supervisor for a loan collections department in a bank and all managers were required to attend. The thing that stuck with me all these years was that harassment was not about intent, but perception. It's true that someone can have a misconception and even though it's their perception that they've been harassed, it doesn't mean harassment took place. My young mansplainer wanted to be congratulated on his intent despite my perception that he was disrespectful. My perception could arguably be considered a misconception colored by my history as a rape survivor, but that's a lousy case.
When this young man pointed out to me that he felt the character I had chosen to use in a meme about rape culture was a poor choice, I asked him to enlighten me. Thankfully, he did. He supplied me a link to a page regarding the character. I read it. I found nothing in there to discredit my choice. I actually found out information that the character was himself a sexual abuse survivor. I was relieved, and said so, but according to him, I shouldn't have been. When I told him that unless a rape survivor was actively raping someone else, it was a long road to walk to claim that the survivor was perpetuating rape culture. I was told I was wrong. I was told that abuse victims often become abusers. I explained that rape was about power and that the preponderance of abuse victims turned abusers are male because of rape culture. To be over powered is to be feminine and to assert one's masculinity, one must TAKE power over another. Nope, not a rational argument; I was a hypocrite who then used my power inappropriately by removing him from the group, that poor, marginalized white boy.
I'd feel badly about my actions if it was an abuse of power. As a matter of fact, I did contemplate whether I was being rash. Then I remembered that a lifetime of dealing with sexual harassment and sexual discrimination did not make my actions impetuous. I gave him a chance to redeem himself. He used rape culture to tell me my experience didn't matter. He offered an apology that was half-assed at best. It's the next day, and I still need to explain. Am I justifying myself? No, I am telling you that when you do what this poor guy did, you are not only not helping, you are the problem.
Men, stop being the problem. The only way you're going to be a true ally is to listen to women. You will have to take instruction from people in the know when it comes to rape culture. By and large, the people who know it best are women. Yes, men get raped, too. Yes, they are shamed into silence, too. I'm not the first woman, nor will I be the last, who has had a well-intentioned, liberal male try to tell me his opinion on this subject beats my personal experience with it. My facts trump your opinion. Sit down. Shut up. Listen. Learn.
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