Tired of being tired and tired of being alone and tired of not having any income and tired of how long it's taking to get short term disability approved. Leading to despair that I'll never be able to work again and despair that I'll not have the financial ability to cover my expenses and despair that I'll end up on the street with my cats. Looking at the reality that I may need to give up my cats who currently are the only living beings with whom I have daily interaction. Feeling like maybe I haven't earned the right to have anyone care because I have nothing to offer because I serve no purpose because I can't stand for more than a few minutes at a time and I'm constantly, chronically fatigued by doing nothing.
Sorry, too many years of being told I'm fainting to get attention has me questioning if I'm just giving in to feeling faint instead of motoring through like I should, like I have to because no one else will take care of me if I don't. So if I lose my current job, who else will hire me if I faint or if they do and I faint repeatedly, will I just lose my job again and again? And what about insurance? What about a car, what's the point in having one if I can't drive very far any way?
Healthcare is another thing. NCS isn't my only malady. I'm diabetic, too. NCS is incurable, just a life long pain in the ass because medication doesn't work for me and while my heart and my brain don't communicate with each other, it's not technically an issue of my heart being broken because my fainting has more to do with low blood pressure. Diabetes is likely incurable, too because it runs on both sides of my family and we eat healthy or in my case, as healthy as I can on a limited budget.
I'm having difficulty finding the positive right now. I can't drop out because I would go insane without human contact. I'm practically there anyway, and if this is all about me getting attention, clearly, I have a mental defect so maybe I already am insane. I'm tired. I'm not thinking straight. I have to figure out how to spin gold from straw so I can cover my expenses in case my short term disability isn't approved or I am unable to have a paying job. I need to save my strength and brain cells for that.
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